and so this is Christmas...

It has been since June since I've even really thought about this space on the internet... but I suppose it is time for my annual year-end entry.  Not quite Christmas, I suppose, but my family celebrates on the Eve of now so it is more than close enough for me.  In fact, I find that I don't quite know what to do with Christmas day now that my family does nothing special... usually the day after Christmas is still another event--my birthday--but with my brother and sister-in-law celebrating with her family... I guess I just lose a day... or gain a day... It doesn't much matter which.  Nor is it important.  It is more about the season than the day, but I think my observation is still valid.  If it is about the season why do we choose one day on which to feast?  Anyway, I have no point.

Looking back on this year, I think that's why I started this.  It was a fine one, indeed.  My year was dominated by my summer travels to Haiti, no doubt.  The first half preparing for them, and then followed by the adventure that they were and the third reliving the adventures though the (constant) telling of stories and remembering my students and the events.  I was very moved by my seven weeks in Haiti, and it is only as I become further removed from my travels that I begin to see just how difficult of an endeavor it was I took on.  Physically, emotionally, pedagogically... I was in survival mode for much of my trip.  I did what I did because I had to and what else was there to do?  I want to go back very badly--I feel the need to continue the teaching that I started last summer and to keep my promises to the people I met--but a lot of my heart and my soul are still tired and maybe don't want to embark on that journey again... maybe not yet, at least.  Additionally, I simply don't have the money for another plane ticket... Hell, I don't know if I'll have the money for books this term--and somehow that just doesn't seem a sufficient enough reason to not go again.  Hmm.

Barack Obama is our president elect.  I have high hopes for his term in office--a lot of Americans do.  I felt privileged to vote for him as my first presidential ballot was cast this year.  I am hopeful that my generation can change the "norms" of discrimination and prejudice that still exist in this society against age, race, gender, gender idendity and sexual idendity.  I hope that we can see the beginning of a health care system for all people regardless of the amount of money they have.  I hope that we can see an equal education for all, and more financial assistance to college students.  I hope that we begin to take care of more the world and the world's sick... rather than just bullying people around, and taking advantage of developing nations for cheap labor.  I hope the change we want comes into being... I hope to be proud of my country.

This year I experienced a long, drawn out, admittedly painful end to a relationship and friendship.  Despite the bad (and there's a fair amount of bad) I am beginning to find the good in the situation.  I have, however cliche, grown stronger from that experience.  I also realized how much I let my heart bleed for others--this wasn't the first time, it won't be the last, but I do need to be careful with where I spend my energy and my love. 

I have been extremely fortunate with a few friendships that continued this year, as well as new ones that were made.  These people I can and will spend all of my energy on, because I know that they deserve it and will stand by me in the future.  I have an incredible roommate who I know looks out for me, and without her I'd be a very different person.  I am also faced with a brand new relationship this Christmas... and there's something special about this one, I can tell.

So all in all, I've had a good year.  One year from now I will officially have my diploma from Lawrence University in Music Education and who on earth knows where I'll be or where I'll be headed.  That's tidy right now, I like the idea of having a year until these things change... however that year begins decreasing now.  I'm only going to loose time this year until all of a sudden I'm thrown into a new stage of life.  Oh boy!

I think I've done this the past few years... posted the lyrics to John Lennon's "Happy Christmas."  I'm a sucker for tradition, and I love this song, so I guess I will once again, end with a bit of that. 



...Merry Christmas & Happy New Year, SD

Starting Now
(Ingrid Michaelson)

I want to crawl back inside my mother's womb
I want to shut out all the lights in this room
I want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink
Scrub away all these thoughts that I think of you

So life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil
Feel like I watch from 6 feet under the soil
Still want to hold you and kiss behind your ears
But I recount the countless tears that i lost for you

But before you finally go there's one thing you should know: That I promise -

Starting now I'll never know your name
Starting now I'll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.

I want to crawl back inside my bed of sin
I want to burn the sheets that smell like your skin
Instead I'll wash them just like kitchen rags with stains
Spinning away every piece that remains of you.

But before you finally go there's one thing you should know: That I promise -

Starting now I'll never know your name
Starting now I'll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.

It's my world, it's not ours anymore
It's my world, it's not ours anymore

Starting now I'll never know your name
Starting now I'll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.

just found this resonating with me tonight: